


I Am An Abomination

by jimmysdead



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Chaptered, Christianity, Flashback, Flashbacks, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Religious!Dan, Sad, angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 13:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5588068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jimmysdead/pseuds/jimmysdead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all starts because Phil doesn't know why Dan won't hold his hand outside. It all starts because Phil doesn't know what Dan doesn't want to make their relationship public. It all starts because Phil doesn't know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_ “Come on, Daniel,” The old lady was smiling, holding the little boy’s hand as they walked through the front door together. _

 

_ Daniel looked around the house, painted in familiar pastels, with the same embroideries on the wall, the same shows playing on the television. He and his grandma sat down on the sofa together, to watch Ellen. He was just about seven years old, sipping at a glass of fizzy orange juice, when the host brought her girlfriend onto the set. _

 

_ Daniel just kept watching. _

_ “Nan! Look how cute they are!” He smiled, swinging his legs a little. _

_ The old lady had a big frown on her lips, and had already changed the channel. She pulled an old, dusty looking book out from the drawer. It looked like it had been read well.  _

 

_ "Or do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, 10 nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, shall inherit the kingdom of God." She recited, looking quite pointedly at Daniel, “Sweetheart, what that means is that two girls shouldn’t be together, and neither should two boys. Jehova gets very sad when people like that are allowed to continue living as they do. I don’t want Jehova to be sad,” _

 

_ Daniel just looked down, nodding. It made sense to him - nobody wanted to disappoint Jehova, right? He understood that God wanted girls and boys to fall in love, but it seemed strange that two people who looked so happy together were disappointing Him. _

 

* * *

 

“Dan? Are you okay?” Phil waved his hand in front of Dan’s face, his other curled up in Dan’s fingers, “What’cha thinking about?”

 

Dan jumped a little, at the awakening from his little daydream. He shook his head, trying to get his bearings again. Where were they? He looked around - Camden. Camden market. When he noticed that Phil was holding his hand, he tugged his away quickly, looking over his shoulder. He was pretty clearly nervous. What if somebody that watched them saw? What if somebody he knew saw?

 

“Oh, uh, nothing,” He got out, quickly, “Come on, there’s a new stall, I wanna see what they’ve got. Maybe we could find something for your dad, for father’s day?”

 

After that, Dan walked briskly away from Phil, sort of hoping that he’d tag along. He always felt bad, for never wanting to hold Phil’s hand in public, but it was too risky. Somebody might see. Somebody with a camera.

 

* * *

 

 

“Aren’t you getting yours anything?” Phil asked, once they’d exhausted all options.

 

Dan just shook his head, explaining how they didn’t really do father’s day in his house. Phil had a nice little bundle of things for his dad - a small cactus, some tool-shaped chocolates, and some of his cologne. All wrapped up in Phil’s adorable childlike way of wrapping.

 

Dan was going to stay with Phil’s family too, for father’s day. Mostly, because he didn’t want to go home, and being alone in their house sounded scary. Maybe he was childish, but he liked having somebody else who would turn off all the lights for him, so that he didn’t have to sprint for the bed every night and risk a heart attack.

 

He acted perfectly normal around Phil’s family. He held Phil’s hand, and played with his fingers, and was just as affectionate as he was at home. They hadn’t been to his parents’ house together, as a couple, and Dan wasn’t planning on it ever happening. Phil always questioned why Dan was never affectionate towards him when they were there, but he’d also sort of accepted it as Dan feeling awkward holding somebody’s hand around his parents. Phil thought he might be, too, if his own parents weren’t so hopelessly in love, and adorable. Dan’s parents had never seemed like that, so Phil resigned to the fact that Dan wasn’t affectionate in public, or around his parents, because it wasn’t how he’d been brought up.

 

* * *

 

 

Dan absolutely loved staying at Phil’s parents’ house. They were so warm, and loving, and a million miles away from his own parents. He enjoyed how Phil’s mum always kissed his head when he hugged her, or how firm his dad’s hugs were. It was nice, and he could definitely see where Phil got his puppy like affection from. He loved being in the Lester household, all curled up in the spare room that was always reserved for him and Phil.

 

Phil’s mum sometimes brought them coffee in the morning, because she was bringing Phil’s dad some anyway, and it would be rude not to. Dan found that adorable, and he sort of wanted to marry Phil so that he could technically call her his mum, too.

 

It was early morning, and the two of them were lying half awake, curled up in each other, because Dan had gotten afraid when he thought he heard a noise. Phil was always good, he always looked after him. Dan was thankful for having Phil around to calm him down. He knew his fears were dumb, but Phil never treated him like a child. Just like, well, Dan.

 

“Why do we never stay over at your mum and dad’s?” Phil asked, into the silence. 

 

Dan had heard the same question every time they went to stay with Phil’s family. He just shrugged, and pressed a chaste kiss to Phil’s cheek.

 

“Because, we don’t have enough room in the house. You’ve seen how tiny it is,” He mumbled.

 

At least he wasn’t completely lying to Phil. His old bedroom in his parents’ house was tiny, certainly not big enough for the two of them to sleep in without his parents getting suspicious. He felt like a teenager, hiding his relationship from his parents, but he sort of had to, since he didn’t know what would happen otherwise.

* * *

 

Dan’s parents hardly ever called. When they did, they always asked about potential girlfriends. Dan always said that he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, because he was too busy with his work - these conversations were always out of Phil’s earshot. He explained that YouTube took up so much of his time, that he wasn’t in the right place to be in a relationship. He didn’t mention how it worked so perfectly with Phil, because they had basically become a duo. Not that his parents had really noticed. They hadn’t even come to a single one of the tour dates. Of course, Dan hadn’t expected them to, but Phil was shocked by it

  
Dan stayed on the phone to his mum for a quarter of an hour before she finally went away, so he could go curl up in bed. He got like that after he had any kind of contact with his family. They completely drained him of everything he had, and he always needed a nap afterwards. Phil just silently crawled in beside him, and Dan couldn’t help but think how lucky - and how miserable - he was.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re an angel, y’know?” Phil said, in between bites.  
> Dan choked on his rice.

_ “And if a man lie with mankind, as with womankind, both of them have committed abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them,” Dan murmured, to himself, while he thought about the cute boy he’d met online. _

 

_ He looked around his room. Any Bible verse embroideries that his parents wanted him to put up had been banished to the corner, where he’d have to put in effort to actually look at them. His walls were covered in posters, mostly Muse, really. His parents didn’t mind what music he listened to, but the time Gerard Way had kissed Frank Iero on the television, they both cringed, and told him not to use these people as role models. _

 

_ Dan felt pretty numb to it these days, though. He got it enough at school- fag/faggot and various other slurs, and it gave him massive anxiety because he didn’t know how anybody had found out. He, of course, denied it every time, but then he thought about the cute boy that made YouTube videos that told him he should make some, too, and when his heart fluttered, he wanted to puke up all the butterflies his stomach had to offer. _

 

_ He recited Leviticus to himself again, remembering what his parents would say if they found out. He needed to keep everything a secret. _

 

* * *

 

 

Summer was burning through his skin, except not really, because he lived in the middle of London and it was pouring with rain. He needed to go and do the shopping, but the bed was so warm, and Phil had his arms just so comfortably around him. He never wanted to move from that position, so he decided to stay put. He nuzzled into Phil’s chest a little, pressed a kiss to the sleeping man’s collarbone, and shut his eyes again. He knew he’d never be able get back to sleep, but it didn’t matter. He just listened to Phil’s heartbeat, finding small comfort in the fact that he wasn’t alone anymore.

 

Dan had always been pretty good at being alone. He’d grown up an only child, and hadn’t really had too many friends when he was young. So, he was good at being alone. But he didn’t like it, and it didn’t do much good for his already questionable mental health. He preferred having Phil around, to keep him sane. He didn’t like having to turn off the lights on his own, and he didn’t like not having somebody to talk to. He could deal without sharing his feelings with somebody, but it did drag him down.

 

Phil was like his anchor. He kept him grounded, and sane. Even when he’d dropped out of university (which his parents hadn’t approved of in the slightest), even when life got too much for him, Phil made things better. Even if he didn’t quite realise it.

 

* * *

 

Dan loved holding Phil’s hand, just out of frame. They played this sort of game, to try and see how affectionate they could be with each other, where the camera couldn’t see. It was all comfortable hands on thighs, or playing with fingers while they talked about something. It was fun, and sometimes, Dan wondered if it was a metaphor for his entire life. For example, the world was like the camera - where Dan seemed to be happy enough, with his best friend. Where the world couldn’t see - so, out of frame - he was holding onto Phil as tightly as he could. He was hiding it, sure, but he wasn’t really ashamed of it. Just, well, scared.

 

The two of them were filming a video, as they so often were, in their bedroom. The rest of the world knew it as Dan’s room. Phil’s room wasn’t used so much. When they’d first moved into this house, Phil slept there for a while, until they realised how dumb they were being and they ended up just moving into Dan’s for the most part. Of course, they both needed their space sometimes, so when that happened, Phil would retreat to his own room. Dan was really thankful for that, because sometimes he got snappy and he felt awful when he snapped at Phil for something.

 

They were playing their game, just as normal. Slightly out of frame, Dan was squeezing on Phil’s hand, reassured by the fact that he was right there. The two of them were filming a Sims video, so they were pressed together behind the desk anyway. Dan liked filming those more, because he had an excuse to be close to Phil, although he basically sat in his lap while editing them anyway.

 

* * *

 

Dan often got distracted while editing. It wasn’t that Phil was a distraction, it was that he kept doing nice things for Dan while he sat at the computer. At some point, Phil had gone out and brought Dan a Starbucks and a cake, and then a few hours later, had brought Dan indian takeaway. Phil was sitting on one of the chairs, eating his curry, while Dan occasionally took a few bites in between typing and clicking.

 

“You’re an angel, y’know?” Phil said, in between bites.

 

Dan choked on his rice. He shook his head, because he really wasn’t an angel. Angels were Of God, Angels were biblical. Dan was neither of these things, although he could still recite a few choice passages from that god forsaken book. He didn’t say anything back to Phil, but he did lean over to press a kiss to his cheek. If only he had the guts to tell Phil about it.

 

He kept editing after that, not touching any more of the curry. He told Phil he had a bit of a stomach ache, and the spice wasn’t doing him any good, so Phil put the leftovers in the fridge.

 

“It’ll neutralise the acidity of your stomach,” He said, presenting Dan with a pint glass of milk, “So, you have to drink it. It even has the paper straws that you liked in America!”

 

Phil was smiling widely at him, and really, Dan couldn’t help smiling back. He looked up at Phil, taking the glass and sipping from the straw. He ended up abandoning the editing and crawling to sit on Phil’s lap, sipping at his glass of milk.

  
“I love you, Phil,” He mumbled, putting the empty glass down and shutting his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But did you get the soup?"

_ “It’s not that I think they’re bad people, I just don’t think they should be allowed to get married. Marriage is between a man and a woman,” _

 

_ Dan wanted to hit his head on the table. His Dad was currently ruining his Christmas by drunkenly ranting about gay rights and same sex marriage, and Dan really wasn’t enjoying. The rest of the family - ie, his grandparents, and his mother - was agreeing with him, too. Dan pushed his plate away a little. All the talk of whether he should be allowed human rights or not was sort of making him feel sick. He mumbled something inaudible to his mother, and got up to go to bed. _

 

_ He’d managed to sneak one of the wine bottles into his room, and while he hated the taste of red wine, he wanted to drink enough that he’d forget what his family had been saying. _

 

_ He was lying in bed, half drunk, with his A Level Geography papers forgotten across his desk when his phone rang. He flipped it open, and held it to his ear with his free hand. _

 

_ “Hello?” He slurred a little bit, managing to get the bottle down on the table. _

 

_ “Happy Christmas!” _

 

_ Dan blinked for a minute. He couldn’t figure out who it was, so he just said it back, without really thinking about it. He looked at his phone screen, and saw it was Phil, who he’d given his number to so they could text when Dan had to be places. He broke into a wide smile, briefly forgetting about his family and how badly they were hurting him. _

 

* * *

 

Dan was walking on his own, hands in his pockets, through London. Phil was sick, so Dan had gone out on a mission for soup. Of course, only Phil could get a cold in August. He chuckled a little to himself, and in passing, he saw a little Growlithe plushie in the window of an anime shop. He vaguely remembered Phil saying Growlithe was his favourite, so Dan walked inside.

 

Inside was so colourful, and maybe he’d gotten a little idea. So, he took a basket and started filling it.

 

* * *

 

“Dan, where’ve you been? I only sent you out for soup,” Phil pouted from their bed, as Dan came in.

 

He’d decided that, since Phil did so much for him, he’d do something, too. He sat down on the bed, next to phil, with a box in his hands. He pressed a kiss to Phil’s temple, and told him that he’d gotten a little bit distracted. Which was an understatement.

 

Phil opened it slowly. His face lit up when he saw the soft toy, and he cuddled it close to him. He dug through the box, pulling out a Studio Ghibli colouring book, and some felt tipped pens. His eyes seemed to light up more every time he pulled something out, and Dan’s heart was fluttering.

 

After he’d taken everything else out, Phil also had a Pokemon blanket, a Death Note mug and an Attack On Titan bowl. He was all smiles, until he paused and looked up at Dan.

 

“But did you get the soup?”

 

“Shit,” Dan’s eyes widened, but when he saw the look on Phil’s face, he grinned and said, “Just kidding, it’s in the kitchen. I wanted you to see the bowl and the mug first,”

 

Phil  spent the rest of the day curled up in his new blanket, with his plushie pressed up to him. He was drinking tea out of his new mug and eating soup out of his new bowl. He was dressed in his boxers and one of Dan’s old shirts, that was a little big on him from being worn so much, but it didn’t matter. Dan thought he looked adorable.

 

* * *

 

“Dan?”

 

He looked at him, from where he was sitting, trying to maneuver making Phil a friendship bracelet. His tongue was sticking out a little.

 

“C’mere?”

 

Dan smiled and nodded, abandoning the embroidery thread, and coming to curl up with Phil. He kissed his temple gently, and sighed. He didn’t mind if he got sick because of Phil, because he knew Phil would look after him, too.

 

“Can we go out to dinner sometime soon?” Phil asked, quietly.

 

Dan swallowed. He didn’t know. Where would they go? What if they saw somebody they knew? But, he reasoned with himself as best as he could. He’d never actually let Phil take him out to dinner properly, not when they were alone. It was scary, but he’d try. He nodded.

 

Phil was beaming after he saw Dan agreeing to it. He pressed little kisses all over Dan’s face, and giggled.

  
“Love you, Dan!”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pizza Hut and bad memories, all rolled into one.

_ By some weird stroke of luck, Dan had been invited to a house party. He obviously wasn’t about to pass that up, so he went. There was a whole lot of alcohol there, which he pretty much instantly started on, without even bothering to eat anything to line his stomach. It was only beer after all - not much could really go wrong. _

 

_ Except it really did. It had gotten to about three in the morning, and everybody was piled on the few couches in the sitting room, all too drunk to have any inhibitions. Two of the girls were making out, for a dare. Once they’d pulled back, they looked pointedly between Dan and one of the boys from his music class, Matt. He was pretty attractive, he had fluffy hair that sort of stuck out everywhere, but Dan didn’t exactly have a crush on him. _

 

_ “You two now,” The blonde one said, pointing to the two of them. _

 

_ Dan flushed pink, and Matt started laughing. They all were. Matt passed his cigarette to somebody else, and gave Dan a sip of his beer. The two of them were grinning at each other, too drunk to really care about what the consequences of this might be. _

 

_ “Come on!” _

 

_ Matt rolled his eyes, and pulled Dan by the shoulders, into a kiss. Dan didn’t really know what to do with his own hands, so he just held onto Matt’s waist, letting him lead. And, well, damn. It was good. _

 

_ When Matt pulled back, the two boys burst into laughter, along with everybody else. Nobody called anybody any names because, hey, it was for a dare and the girls did it, too. _

 

_ The next day, in class, Matt didn’t really stop looking at him, and Dan maybe enjoyed it. After all, he was sixteen and this was his first chance at some kind of relationship. He never had a chance with the cute boy from the internet anyway, so this could work. When Matt had to leave class to go and get papers, he brushed his fingers all the way up Dan’s arm. _

 

_ By the end of the day, everybody thought they were dating, and the bullying had gotten twice as bad. _

 

* * *

 

Maybe Dan had never quite recovered from the bullying. Because, being out at a regular old dinner with Phil made him sort of want to throw himself out of a window. It wasn’t that he was ashamed, because he wasn’t. He was just afraid of being laughed at again. Maybe even beat up. Which made no sense, because he was an adult now, in Pizza Hut, having a nice dinner with his very long term boyfriend.

 

They were sharing a big pizza, and Phil could probably tell that Dan was uncomfortable. But he didn’t know why. Obviously, he knew a little about Dan’s school life - about the fact that he’d been bullied, but Dan had never said why. Phil knew little to nothing about Dan’s home life, and Dan planned to keep it that way. He just didn’t want Phil to feel sorry for him.

Really, he was doing his best to be good at conversation, but every time anybody so much as looked at them, he wanted to throw up. He was half waiting for somebody to come pick him up by the collar and beat him up. In Pizza Hut. A family restaurant.

 

Nobody was actually batting an eye, and the reasonable part of Dan’s brain knew that, but it was hard to stop imagining the eyes on him. He squeezed Phil’s hand, sipping at his drink and trying to calm down. He wanted to be calm for Phil, but it was way too hard.

 

He got up to go to the bathroom, flicking cold water on his face. It was almost impossible not to revert back to trying to hide in public, anxiety on top of the constant fear of not being accepted was a living Hell for Dan. He wanted to be better for Phil, and he was starting to think that maybe telling Phil would help. But, not in Pizza Hut. He wanted tonight to just be nice, he wanted to have a shower with Phil when they got home, and curl up in bed so that they could just talk about something else.

 

Phil was good at making him feel better. When Dan got back to the table, Phil didn’t insist on holding his hand again, but he did bump their knees together. Dan swallowed hard, and offered his hand to Phil. He never did that out in public, and he hoped Phil understood how hard it was for him to do.

 

Phil looked at Dan. For a moment, he was confused. Dan wanted to hold his hand in somewhere public? When he realised that this wasn’t some kind of nasty joke, his eyes lit up, and he curled their fingers together, bringing Dan’s knuckles up to his lips to kiss. His heart was swelling up, and it completely settled any fear of Dan being ashamed of being his boyfriend, at least for now.

 

The rest of the dinner was, well, fine. Nothing bad happened, although when Dan saw two girls wearing their merchandise come in, he quickly withdrew his hand. He wasn’t ready for that, yet, wasn’t ready for everybody to know. Sure, they’d been dating since Dan had left high school, but he still got massive amounts of anxiety over people finding out. 

 

* * *

After dinner, the two of them just sort of went home. They showered, and they used this girly shower gel that Phil had accidentally gotten in the post from Tesco, instead of his normal Lynx. The two of them went to bed pretty early for them, lights off. They laid flat on their backs, fingers clasped together.

 

“Dan?” Phil said, breaking the comfortable silence, “Why don’t you like holding my hand in front of fans? Are you ashamed of us?”

 

Dan tensed up. He’d been waiting for this, but he didn’t have a good answer. He didn’t want to ruin a good day, though.

  
“Can I tell you in the morning? I’m not in the mood to be depressing, after I had a really good evening,” Dan curled up into Phil’s side, “But I’m not ashamed of us, Phil. Promise,”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil understands.

_ “That’s so gay,” _

 

_ Dan sighed. He was far too used to it, being pushed around in the hall, not a word of help from Matt, who’d gotten all offended when Dan had broken the news to him that they weren’t ever going to be a thing. _

 

_ He had to deal with it all day, every day. But, he was leaving school soon. He could be free soon. He was going to do A Level Law, but that was in college, he wouldn’t stay in this school for any amount of money. _

 

_ He’d had a pretty shit day all around, but coming home wasn’t that bad. He threw himself down on his bed, going to call Phil. They’d swapped numbers so that they could text all the time. _

 

_ “Hey!” Phil chirped down the phone. _

 

_ Phil was a little older than Dan, but it didn’t really matter to him, it was alright as long as they were happy. They talked for a few hours, until Dan had to go to dinner. They talked about school and all the rest of it. _

 

_ “Love you, bye!” Phil giggled, when they had to hang up. _

 

_ Dan sat there for a moment, stuttering out an, “I love you too,” before hanging up. _

 

* * *

 

Dan woke up, hair curly. He was pressed up to Phil, face pressed into his neck. Phil was already awake, rubbing his back, gently, pressing a kiss to his hair.

 

“Mornin’,” Phil murmured, into Dan’s hair, “You wanna go out for breakfast?”

 

Dan nodded. He didn’t want to disappoint Phil anymore, so he sat up. He pressed a kiss to his lips before he got up to brush his teeth, sighing softly. Phil was hugging him gently, from behind. They rocked a little, leaning against eachother.

 

“Hey, I love you,” Dan said, turning over his shoulder to kiss Phil’s lips quickly.

 

The two of them went out to breakfast, which was nice, and Dan held Phil’s hand the entire time. He was still a little tense, because they were out in public, but it was okay.

 

* * *

 

 

Dan ended up dragging Phil to the city centre, going into a few shops. Dan paused, looking up at Phil for a moment. They were in a crowd of a load of people, and Dan stopped for a minute. He sucked in a breath, and tugged Phil up close to him, kissing him, hard.

 

He was shaking, he didn’t know how to explain it. He looked at Phil, and started running into the crowd, blushing deeply. He didn’t know how to deal with it, he felt so awful and like people were staring at him. He felt like they were whispering about him, and he was shaking hard.

 

He kept running until he was in a coffeeshop, in the corner, drinking cocoa. He was sobbing softly to himself, knees pressed together.

 

* * *

 

Phil spent a few hours wandering around, looking for Dan. He texted, and he called, but he just wasn’t getting through. By late afternoon, Phil just went home and laid down, rubbing his temples.

 

Dan came home at about eleven, drunk out of his mind, and crying. He pushed into the flat, going straight to bed. Phil was there, and he couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

 

“I’m just so sorry,” He got out, after a while of trying, “And I just can’t deal with it, because the boys at school used to beat me up, and I can’t deal without you, but I can’t deal with you in public, just in case somebody does the same thing,”

 

Phil just kissed his hair, rubbing his back gently. He understood now. He kept Dan close to him all night, staying up all night.

 

* * *

Dan woke up the next morning, sighing softly. 

 

“I love you, Phil,” he mumbled.

  
Phil nodded. “I know. I love you too,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of the fic! Thanks for reading!


End file.
